Humilitarians commit to some fundamental principles of discourse and treatment of others.
However, even with the best will in the world, sometimes we don’t realize when we’re falling short of our own principles. That is especially true when it comes to how we talk to, and about, others in a political discussion. Politics is a particularly challenging domain for productive conversation because feelings run high and mutual distrust can cause us to question the intent or morality of those with whom we disagree.
So here are some rules of thumb to follow in the way you converse with others (in speech or writing). They are designed to help you build trust and communicate effectively even with those whose perspectives differ greatly from your own.
Don’t
- Tell someone they’re wrong when they’re wrong unless they ask you for your opinion. Instead, say nothing or in exceptional circumstances, just offer your view as an alternative if you’re sure something good will come of it.
- Offer an unqualified ideological view to someone who doesn’t yet trust you, hasn’t expressed approval of your fundamental values, or hasn’t indicated an interest in your opinions. Again, wait to be asked.
- Make a definitive statement about a large group of people unless all self-identifying members of that group would accept your claim or you’re making a claim that you’re offering evidence to support.
- Attribute to a group a characteristic, action or purpose that can really only be attributed to an individual.
- Draw conclusions about other people, their intentions, morality or intelligence, from a particular view they hold or any particular disagreement you have.
- Make overstatements or generalizations about individuals you don’t know. In politics, an overstatement is usually a false statement whose purpose is to put people down.
- Use a turn of phrase or slogan that invites an opponent to put you in a simple ideological box.
- Generalize across a group if some of the people who you think belong to that group would dispute your description of that group or even their membership of it.
- Express opinions with more certainty than you can bring the evidence to support – especially when you know there are others who disagree with equal certainty.
Do
- Make statements about behaviors and beliefs, rather than the people who exhibit or hold them.
- Qualify your statements to make them as accurate and precise as possible. (See the suggested phrases below.)
- Present your reasons for drawing a conclusion or holding an opinion before you provide that conclusion or opinion.
- Be explicit about your prioritization of values on which your opinion depends in a way that invites others to present their own possibly different prioritization of values on which their opinion depends. That will help you disagree while maintaining moral respect for each other.
- Let people know you’re prepared to change your mind in the face of information or ideas you’ve not considered.
- If a strong feeling about something motivates what you are saying, then be up-front about that feeling (and perhaps explain why you have it).
- Acknowledge that you’re generalizing or approximating when you’re generalizing or approximating.
- When you have a choice between disagreeing with a point or agreeing with another, choose the latter. What you focus on gets bigger.
- When you have noticed common ground, point it out – whether it concerns values, experiences, or opinions.
- Ask questions to find out why someone believes what they believe, instead of telling them what you believe. In particular, ask them their views on something you care about and then wait for them to ask you for yours before offering them.
- Summarize your opponent’s view and then invite them to confirm you have understood it, and its justifications, correctly.
- If you think your opponent is mistaken because she’s missing something relevant, don’t tell her she’s wrong, but bring up the thing you think she is missing, ask her if she has considered it, and how it affects her view, if at all.
- If you want to make a point, rather than say it outright, mention that you heard it somewhere or quote someone who made it before if you can truthfully do so. That will allow your interlocutor to disagree with it without making you wrong.
- Use the following expressions to express an opinion or disagreement while conveying the fact that you don’t have perfect access to truth. Doing allows for disagreement without conflict.
I think…
Right now, it seems to me…
I wonder whether…
I’m concerned about…
I’m know I’m generalizing but…
I could be wrong but…
I have difficult accepting…
I’m not comfortable with…
Reasonable people can disagree on this but…
What I can’t get past is…
I keep coming back to the fact that…
My personal experience has led me to…
I get that everyone’s experience is different but…
I can appreciate how/why someone could/would feel/hold the view that…
Have you ever wondered if…
What do you think about the claim/idea that…
Do you agree with people who say that…
Do you think it’s a reasonable view that…
Can you see why people think that…
I certainly understand why some people feel/think that…
Why do you think some people believe…